5 Unsexy Ways To Save Your Marriage When You’re No Longer Happy – YourTango

Many people simply accept a boring and unhappy marriage as normal — or they start considering divorce. They believe you can’t feel the elation and attraction they felt when their love was new and felt like it would last forever.

However, there’s a huge gap between the feelings of being in love they had when the relationship was new and feeling bored and unhappy in their marriage.

Choosing to settle for feeling “meh” about a marriage is not only extremely sad, but it can negatively impact someone’s health.

Do you really want to accept this as your fate? Probably not.

Just because you know you’re tired of feeling bored and unhappy with marriage doesn’t mean you know what to do about it.

RELATED: How To Save A Marriage When Your Husband Or Wife Says, ‘I Want A Divorce’

So, it’s time to consider your options. You could:

  • Divorce — Yet, if the only problem in your marriage is that it’s in a rut and it’s lost its spark, divorce is an extreme response.
  • Continue to feel bored and unhappy — If you were truly willing to settle for this type of marriage, you wouldn’t be reading this article.
  • Bring life back to your marriage — This may initially seem an impossible task. But if you and your spouse still love each other, reviving your marriage is the best course you can take.

Learning how to save a marriage before it leads to divorce really isn’t as hard as you might think because boredom can be fixed, especially if you’re willing to break out of your marital rut.

Just about everyone likes new ideas or new experiences or new things. And knowing this is one of the keys to making your unhappy marriage happy again.

RELATED: The Relationship Strategy That Will Save Your Marriage (And No, It’s Not About Sex)

Here are five unsexy ways to save your marriage when you’re no longer happy:

1. Plan an adventure

Plan adventures the two of you can look forward to together as a way to reconnect. The size of the adventure doesn’t matter.

You might be thrilled with simply going someplace new for dinner. You might decide to plan an exotic vacation together.

The idea here is for you both to feel excited about doing something together.

RELATED: 10 Unmistakable Signs Your Marriage Can Be Saved

2. Learn something new together

Some couples really enjoy exploring gardening, ballroom dancing, robotics, skiing, kayaking, and bird watching.

If none of these inspire you, that’s OK because they’re just meant to open your thoughts up to what will be fun for the two of you.

3. Revive old dreams

Reviving old dreams you shared, but shelved, is another way to inject some newness into your marriage.

Even if you can’t make your dreams come true right away, dusting them off and beginning to plan and work toward making them a reality will definitely get the two of you thinking about and doing more exciting (aka less boring) things together.

4. Connect with each other the way you use to

Your marriage may have become boring and unhappy because you’ve both stopped connecting the way you did when you were completely enamored with each other.

Back then, you used to share just about everything that was going on in your lives. Do that again.

RELATED: 5 Signs Of Disconnection In A Relationship & How To Bring The Connection Back

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5. Be willing to be vulnerable

Choosing to be vulnerable again and sharing the thoughts you’ve stopped discussing with your spouse is another way you can bring the spark back to your marriage.

When you look at these suggestions to take the boredom out of your marriage, you may not feel a lot of excitement about any of them. That’s OK.

The goal isn’t necessarily for you to have an exact roadmap to follow that will drag your marriage out of the rut it’s fallen into. The real goal is for you to start thinking about how you can begin the work to stop feeling bored and unhappy with the marriage.

After all, any marriage will become boring and can cause unhappiness when it is predictable. So choosing to shake things up, even if only in little ways to start, will help you to reignite the spark of love you each still have.

RELATED: Why The Scariest Thing You Can Do For Your Relationships (And Yourself!) Is Also The Most Powerful

Dr. Karen Finn is a divorce and life coach. Her writing on marriage and divorce has appeared on MSN, Yahoo! & e-Harmony, among others. 

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This article was originally published at Dr. Karen Finn’s blog. Reprinted with permission from the author.

How 100,000 People Helped Save A Marriage – YourTango


Chrisanna Northrup was A pretty typical spouse And dealing mcompletely different of three; she and her husband each labored prolonged hours, cared For his or her youthfulsters, and had little time left over for themselves. Their marriage, she felt, was on the again burner And she or he wasn’t constructive The biggest Method To restore it.

Northrup fliped to The internet, to self-assist e-books, and even to her native college library To Search out out what couples in right now’s society have been doing To take care of happiness. Wright hereas she found An excellent deal of theories and professional suggestion, she didn’t discover sensible enter from the couples themselves.

Fairly than retreat and settle for it as a “half,” as she says her husband was inclined to do, she finally grouped up with two of the nation’s main sociologists and launched The conventional Bar enterprise.

Inside the years that adopted, The conventional Bar group surveyed almost 100,000 people Throughout the globe Regarding their relationship habits and attitudes.

The Outcome was The conventional Bar: The Surprising Secrets and techniques of Joyful Couples and What They Reveal About Making a mannequin new Regular in Your Relationship. From communication to intercourse, house tasks to present-giving, the e-book provides knowledge and suggestion on sensiblely every factor of a romantic relationship, all of which assist For instance a baseline “normal” for couples Who’re Eager to see how Their very personal relationships examine.

We spoke to Northrup in 2013 to discover out extra Regarding the e-book and The biggest method it affected her personal marriage On the time.

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“The conventional Bar” enterprise emerged from a difficult interval in Your private marriage. Are you able to inform us extra Regarding the Kinds of wrestles you and your husband have been encountering On the time?

We have been fourteen years into our relationship, and my husband And that i have been each working full-time jobs and juggling house tasks and youthful youthfulsters—we have been barely making ends meet. The little time that we had collectively was Simply a few moments at a time and it primarily consisted of us talking about what was Occurring with The youthfulsters, what needed to be carried out, or who was doing what.

It is not quite how I pictured my life. I stored assumeing, wright here is All of the nice? Our weekdays have been work, buying, fixing factors, making dinner, cleansing, housework, and sports activities, And that it’d circulate proper by way of the weekend.

I felt as if my relationship with my husband was taking a againseat to everyfactor else and we have been drifting further ahalf. Converseing was turning Right into a wrestle too. We’d both not Converse about sure factors to primarytain away from an argument or let factors construct to The objective wright here Definitely one of us would almost explode.

I used to be curious to see if That is just the method it was Alleged to be or if factors Might be greater. I begined asking Household and pals whOn their relationships seemed Want to get A gooder idea if the “normal” we led was Simply like theirs. 

At the time, how did your relationship Appear to stack As a lot as these round you?

Tright here was A selection, However it did Appear to be Nearly all of couples have been Dealing with some ups and dpersonals of Their very personal. Everyfactor from Definitely one of my closest pals informing me she hadn’t slept Together with her husband in six months, To A particular saying They solely Bear the motions Daily and it was “Okay,” to pals that have been on The sting of divorce, and Tright here have been the few that Appeared to be very a lot in love dwelling fortunately ever after (however I Might not assist marvel if That basically existed).

It is a niceny factor, Everytime You start evaluating, Counting on who You are evaluating to, you virtually really feel greater about what You’ve. But I nonetheless needed extra and so did my husband.

RELATED: Woman Blames Priest For Ruining Her Marriage After He Informed Her Husband She Confessed To Dishonest

What was your definition of “normal” earlier than you started “The conventional Bar”?
Regular to me have been patterns you create in Your private life and primarytain day after day.

And what was the “normal” baseline you have been striving for, do You retain in thoughts?
Really, I do! As a Outcome of the baseline I used to be striving for is what I’ve now/

I would likeed my relationship normal to be Full of ardour and nice. I would likeed to have The Sort of relationships you see in The movies wright here the couples laughed, performed, and had actually intense intercourse. I would likeed my husband to be my biggest good friend To affirm with about somefactor and everyfactor with out worrying about what he was going to say And the method he was going to react. That is what I would likeed our normal To look like, however I typically questioned if it even existed or if I used to Anticipate An extreme quantity of.

How did your husband react Everytime you told him about your idea for “The conventional Bar”?
He liked The thought! He was just as curious as I used to be and he needed to have A gooder relationship too. He was very dedicated to doing or making an try somefactor. As quickly as I told him about my mission To match relationships Throughout the globe by age, ethnicity, religion, income, youthfulsters or no youthfulsters, years in a relationship, and so on., he absolutely assisted The thought and it turned a joint effort. I Might not have carried out this with out him.

What are A pair of of “The conventional Bar” discoverings Which have most profoundly influenced Your private relationship?
Each discovering impacted our relationship To at least one diploma or ancompletely different. As quickly as I used to be in full swing with “The conventional Bar” evaluation aprolongedside my coauthors, Dr. Pepper Schwartz and Dr. James Witte, we had lots of of pages Of information coming in Every day.

Every Evening time my husband And that I might Bear The information and Converse about it. It was Very straightforward talking Regarding the very troublesome Supplies Everytime you had a baseline to work from. Tright here was no bickering or criticism about why it was launched up or some hidden agenda. The knowledge was black and white and it was very straightforward to have an open dialog with my husband.

I stored assumeing, how could We now have been collectively for over fifteen years And by no means have ever talked about This stuff? Everyfactor from how typically we kissed to how we communicated.

What’s your current definition of “normal”?
My definition reprimarys The identical: Regular to me was patterns you create in Your private life and primarytain day after day.

The one distinction Can be At first I assumed your normal was affected by outdoors actualityors You’d possiblybe couldn’t administration, Similar to money, tradition, family, and so on. Now I do know nDefinitely one of this issues. Nophysique administrations your normal, not your husband or spouse, your youthfulsters, your boss… nophysique.

The one Particular person who defines the patterns created and primarytained on day after day basis is your self. I am In cost of My very personal normal, nophysique else. It’s As a lot as me to create the normal I would like. 

RELATED: Man Argues With Friend After Asking Him To cowl His Marriage ceremony Photograph As a Outcome of It Made His Wife ‘Uncomfortable’

Are you able to give us circumstances Of A pair of of In all probability the most thoughts-blowing, counterintuitive discoverings from the e-book?
Tright here’s Tons to itemizing! I’ve lots of of pages Of information That are not in the e-book And a lot of of In all probability the most fascinating stuff is in the e-book. Listed right here are The very biggest 5 that come to thoughts first:

1. Similar-intercourse couples. I truly thought we would Be In a place To write dpersonal a second e-book on the Regular Bar when it acquired here To love relationships for gay and lesbian couples. I discowled it fascinating that this was not the case. By no means. Gay and lesbian couples virtually On A daily basis fell proper Based mostly on heterointercourseual couples.

Merely beset off gays and lesbians have completely different intercourseual preferences it doesn’t make their relationship any completely different. All of us love The identical and have A very comparable normal When it Includes relationships. We contact on this all by way of the e-book.

2. Happiness. People have been a lot happier than I ever anticipated. It was nice to see what actually made a distinction in our happiest couples.

For event, Occurring journey collectively with out The youthfulsters is terribly important. My husband And that i Did not go on a journey with out The youthfulsters till I begined the evaluation for the e-book and this acquired here up. We went to Kauai for Every week collectively (no youthfulsters) and had the time of our life. I can see why our happiest couples journey alone collectively Yearly Beset off it Is important and It is superior!

3. Communication. How a lot you assume You understand what your halfner wants or Want to be happy And the method out of contact You’d possibly be. This might change over time and Do you have to don’t Converse about it, You Do not know. You can be losing your time doing one factor you assume Is important, That You only assume makes Him or her happy and later discover out it doesn’t matter.

Communication was The primary set off why our happiest couples have been fulfilled And in addition The primary set off why people said they left their final relationship. I’d have thought it was intercourse or affection… Specializing in communication Is method extra important than having extra intercourse to be happy. Although, intercourse comes when communication is working proper!

4. Fantasy. Males fantasize extra Regarding their wives or girlpals than completely different people. They fantasize about factors thOn They do not assume their halfner Can be up for.

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5. Disjoin. The huge disjoin between Males And women. Throughout the e-book, We will see Males And women want The identical factors out of a relationship and just Do not know The biggest Method to go about it. The e-book not solely makes this clear however makes it straightforward To debate with their halfner.

An excellent event of That is Males And women each said They need extra Quantity of their life intercourseually, however nboth Definitely one of them do somefactor about it. This theme carries all by way of When it Includes romance and affection too.

Based mostly By your self expertise doing so, how can couples translate the collected information from the e-book into constructive modifications in Their very personal love lives?
Use the e-book to get A gooder idea of what completely different Particular persons are doing and Work out what You’d like. No matter You’d like your normal To look like, make it happen! You are In cost of Your private normal, nophysique else.

Our relationship Earlier to “The conventional Bar” was very unstable. We Weren’t In contact with what we each needed from The joinion, Each completely different, or life to be happy. So, we stored just doing what we did day after day, figuring that we just needed to brush our factors beneath the rug and transfer forward. If we tried to deal with any of our factors It’d flip into An monupsychological argument or one person would really feel criticized.

Through the use of knowledge and evaluation from our research, my husband And that i not solely talked about in good element what we needed out of life and from Each completely different, however we furtherly turned extra in line (the bar) with Each completely different. We eradicated The grey space and made it extra black and white.

I do not marvel or guess what my husband wants, I do know, and he is Aware of what I want. We respect it and assist Each completely different’s wants. This Does not happen overEvening time, however It could happen In a brief time with A lot of prolonged talks and neacquirediations. This all comes very simply when You’ve a useful resource.

Our normal went from terribly hectic And by no means spending any time collectively to nonetheless very hectic with spending Much extra extreme quality time collectively. We have Tons nice collectively and as a family. We modified our normal from all work to A lot Of labor And a lot of of play. We go amethod virtually every weekend after our Kid’s final recreation to the desert to camp and journey our desert toys. Our youthfulsters are thriving Higher than ever too!

We make time to do nice stuff. My husband And that i make time to Exit And luxuriate in Each completely different and talk. I now have the normal that I On A daily basis dreamed about and my husband is A million events happier too. Relationships work, however they Ought to not be that a lot work. Our relationship Is a lot simpler now. We can Converse about somefactor and everyfactor (Similar to I On A daily basis needed) and We’re extra in love than ever.

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YourTango brings a group of readers, writers, thought leaders, and the world’s main relationship and psychological well being particularistings collectively To join And have interplay wright here it issues most: The center.

Be a part of YourTango’s free publication!

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Navigating The Balancing Act Of Marriage And Business Ownership – Forbes

Head Coach at The Powerful Man with 20 years of global experience. Helping businessmen save their marriage without having to talk about it.


Marriage is a complex and multifaceted relationship that requires effort, communication and compromise from both partners. While all marriages face their own set of challenges, business ownership can add an additional layer of complexity to the equation. The demands of running a business, as well as the financial pressures that come with it, can put a strain on personal relationships and make marriage more difficult for business owners. In this article, we’ll explore some of the specific challenges that business owners face in their marriages and offer strategies for managing these challenges.

The Challenges

One of the most significant challenges that business owners face in their marriages is the long hours and demanding schedules that come with running a business. As a business owner, you may find yourself working longer hours than you would as an employee, and you may be required to put in extra effort and dedication to ensure the success of your business. This can leave little time for personal relationships and can lead to feelings of isolation, stress and resentment within a marriage.

In addition to the demands of running a business, business owners also face financial pressures that can put a strain on their marriages. Starting and growing a business can be expensive, and business owners often have to make tough financial decisions that can impact their personal lives. This can lead to tension and disagreement within a marriage, as well as feelings of uncertainty and insecurity. For example, a business owner may need to decide between investing in their business or using the money to pay for family expenses, which can lead to conflict with their spouse.

Another challenge faced by business owners in their marriages is the emotional toll that running a business can take. The stress and pressure of managing a business can be overwhelming, and business owners may struggle to switch off and relax when they are not working. This can lead to feelings of burnout and exhaustion, which can in turn impact the personal relationships of business owners, including their marriages.

The Solutions

Despite these challenges, it is possible for business owners to maintain strong, healthy marriages. One key strategy is to set boundaries and prioritize your personal relationships. This might mean setting aside dedicated time for your spouse or finding ways to delegate tasks and responsibilities to free up more time for your personal life. It’s also important to communicate openly and honestly with your spouse about the demands of your business and the impact it has on your relationship.

Another helpful strategy is to seek support from a therapist or coach. A therapist or coach can provide an objective perspective and help you work through any issues or challenges you are facing in your marriage. They can also provide guidance on how to manage stress and maintain a healthy work-life balance.

In addition to seeking support, it’s also important for business owners to find ways to manage stress and maintain a positive outlook. This might involve setting aside time for self-care, such as exercise, meditation or hobbies, or finding ways to relax and unwind after a long day of work.


Marriage is difficult for everyone, but it can be particularly challenging for business owners. The demands of running a business, as well as the financial pressures that come with it, can put a strain on personal relationships. However, by setting boundaries, seeking support and finding ways to manage stress, business owners can maintain strong, healthy marriages despite the challenges they face. Remember, it’s essential to prioritize your personal relationships, even in the face of the demands of running a business. With effort, communication and compromise, business owners can navigate the balancing act of marriage and business ownership and build a strong, fulfilling relationship.

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Channing Tatum Says He and Jenna Dewan ‘Fought’ for Marriage for a ‘Long Time’ Before Split: ‘We Were So Different’ – Us Weekly


Channing Tatum and Jenna Dewan.

Getting candid. Channing Tatum shared new particulars about what led to his Chop up from Jenna Dewan, explaining how The earlier spouses fought For his or her marriage.

All by way of his interview with Vanity Truthful, which was revealed on Tuesday, January 17, Tatum, 42, recalled the second he exactized There have been Factors with their relationship.

“I used to be working Tons. I had acquiredten to work with A pair of of my favourite directors. I had checked bins that I might by no means have hoped to dream about. However one factor simply wasn’t pretty filling me up,” the actor, who shares 9-yr-previous daughter Everly with Dewan, 42, defined to the outlet. “I used to be Sort of Sort of simply making an try To not be dangerous in movies, Rather than being good. And that i used to be Sort of going, ‘What’s …’ And it exactly had nofactor to do with my work. It was exactly about my life.”

Tatum famous that he and Dewan made makes an try to work factors out earlier than pulling the plug, including, “We fought for it for A very Very prolonged time, Regardless of The very Incontrovertible exactity that we each Sort of knew that we had Sort of grown ahalf. I exactly feel we tprevious ourselves A narrative As quickly as we have been youthful, and we simply stored telling ourselves that story, Regardless of how blatantly life was telling us that we have been so completely different.”

The Misplaced Metropolis star concluded: “However Everytime you’re truly mom and father You exactly understand variations between The two of you. As a Outcome of It is screaming at you all day prolonged. The way you mother or father in A particular method, how You are taking A look On the world, how you Bear the world.”

Based mostly on the Alabama native, it was initially “super scary and terrifying” when he transitioned again to single life. “This complete plan That you merely had exactly simply turns into sand and goes by way of your fingers And also you’re Similar to, ‘Oh, s—t. What now?’” he admitted.

Tatum, by no meanstheless, credit ratinged the breakup for being “exactly” what he needed On the time.

“I don’t assume I might’ve ever carried out the work, I exactly feel, on myself Inside the biggest method that I Needed to do the work on myself To exactly Attempt and Search out out what subsequent,” he shared. “And exactly, it simply started with my daughter. I simply dropped everyfactor and simply focused on her. And it was exactly Utterly the Neatest factor that I ever might have carried out. As a Outcome of in the alone time that I’ve with simply me and her, we’ve Discover your self to be biggest frifinishs.”

The Magic Mike star, Who’s presently courting Zoë Kravitz, revealed he has no plans to stroll down the aisle Once again, saying, “Relationships are exhausting for me. Even although I am a Little bit of a monogamist. In enterprise, I’ve no exact fear of somefactor being destroyed. However coronary heart factors, When it Includes people I exactly like, I’ve A very exhausting time. I Wind up making an try too exhausting, You understand?”

Tatum and Dewan started courting in 2006 after they met on the set of Step Up. The former couple tied the knot in 2009 and later welcomed their daughter. After almost a decade of marriage, Tatum and Dewan introduced in 2018 thOn they have been separating. Six months later, the actress filed for divorce and it was finalized in 2019.

Since their Chop up, Dewan moved on with Steve Kazee. The pair, who acquired engaged in 2020, welcomed their son, Callum, That very similar yr. Tatum, for his half, was linked to Jessie J earlier than sparking romance rumors with Kravitz, 34.

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Did Salman Khan save Rakhi Sawant’s marriage? – Daily Times


Did Salman Khan save Rakhi Sawant’s marriage? – Daily Occasions

He wrote, “So right here’s an announcement lastly, I by no means said I am not married to you Rakhi.”

Recently, the couple was papped by Indian media in Mumbai wright here Rakhi confirmed that Salman Khan saved her relation as he referred to as her husband and thanked Bollywood actor Salman Khan for his position in serving to her with The Marriage ceremony.

She said, “My bhai loves him Tons too. They’ve additionally met. Undoubtedly, he acquired a name from my brother.” She added, “With bhai round, do you assume he can deny The Marriage ceremony of Salman’s sister?” It is not acknowledged The exact particulars of what Salman said to Durrani, However it seems his involvement was instrumental in getting The Marriage ceremony on monitor.

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How I Saved My Marriage – Mishpacha Magazine – mishpacha.com

I was 23 when I met Eliyahu. Our dates were positive, and as the dating progressed, we began to share on a deeper, more personal level. Eliyahu opened up about his childhood, which was full of abuse, dysfunction, neglect, and poverty.

He had worked on himself and was determined to avoid the mistakes he’d witnessed in his parents’ home. He promised me that if anything ever came up, he’d get help. He wouldn’t let his own family have a home like that.

Eliyahu was very transparent about everything, and his openness put me at ease. If anything, it made me want to be the person in his life that would care for him in a way that no one else had until this point. I thought that maybe by marrying someone like me, who grew up in a healthy home, he’d be able to fully heal.

We married in February, and by November, I’d given birth to a preemie at just 32 weeks. That threw us for a loop. Even after my newborn son was released from the NICU, he was still a high-needs baby. I was going through a lot, and Eliyahu wasn’t helpful in the way that I needed him to be. Instead, he was focused on providing for us and was working crazy hours.

Part of growing up in poverty is the anxiety at the prospect of having to relive it. My husband always gave work his full attention and rarely said no to a job opportunity. This meant that he was frequently out of the house and busy on the phone.

Eliyahu and I came into marriage with different expectations. In my home growing up, everyone had such different schedules that it never made sense for us to have dinner together. There was food in the freezer, and everyone made whatever they wanted. My husband expected supper. I couldn’t understand what the big deal was. He kept feeling that I wasn’t doing what he needed, and he felt unloved. We had completely different love languages and ideas of what it means to love someone.

We had two more kids, and things only got worse. We were in an endless negative cycle. He would feel unloved, get depressed, and then emotionally withdraw for several weeks. Eventually things would go back to normal, so I’d think everything was okay, but then he’d share his pain with me, and I would be consumed with guilt. It felt like no matter what I did or tried to do, it was never enough. I was never enough.

Then my cycle of negative emotions would start. Why is everything so difficult? Why doesn’t he do his part during bedtime? Why can’t he pay attention to me? When is he going to put his phone away? Why is he so critical? Where am I going wrong that he’s so unhappy?

We tried going to a therapist, but it made things worse because the therapist was focused on the problems instead of helping us find solutions.

Amid all of this, I got the news that my mother was sick. I understood she wouldn’t be with us for much longer, and indeed, she passed away a short while later. Now I was grieving her loss, and still struggling in my marriage.

I needed a mother figure in my life, so a good friend suggested I try “Marriage Buddies,” a program by Michal Fruchter that matches up veteran married women with women who have been married for less than ten years.

My mentor, Miriam, was a woman I respected and looked up to. Because she had also faced challenges in her marriage, she understood where I was coming from and knew how to speak to me. She gave me practical tools to change my inner voice: she taught me to love myself, not to take things too personally, and to feel confident in what I was doing for our marriage.

Miriam recommended I begin complimenting my husband for every positive thing he did, and that really made a difference. I’d make eye contact and say things like, “Thank you for putting your phone away. Thank you for spending time with me.”

I also put into practice the idea of actively respecting my husband. If he disciplined the kids, I stood by his decision and no longer got upset at him for the way he parented our children. That was sometimes very hard, but again, it made a huge difference in our relationship.

Whenever I was able to stop myself from focusing on the negative in my marriage, it felt like a genuine victory. For example, when my husband took a break from work for ten minutes to spend time with me, I’d think, Why is he only giving me ten minutes? So, I practiced feeling grateful for those ten minutes and then expressed that gratitude to him. He naturally reciprocated by giving to me in ways that he knew I would appreciate.

In the past, my husband wanted me to go for help, but I resisted because I thought he was the sole problem. But I’m so glad I got help from my mentor because now I recognize the important role I play in our marriage; although there were many ways my husband created disconnection in our marriage, my response to his actions and words was also creating distance.

I now understand that when someone is critical, there’s often a whole lot more going on inside that possibly has nothing to do with me. I no longer take critical comments as personal attacks. I don’t need to respond to his negativity by withdrawing, lashing out defensively, or getting sucked into his emotional rollercoaster. I recognize that just like I can have bad days, so can my husband.

With this new mindset, I’m able to still be warm and loving (or at least try to be) when things become difficult. I’m confident in my abilities as well as my limitations. I know that I put my best foot forward in my marriage and if I fall short it’s okay, because I’m only human.

Thank G-d, today my marriage is in a much better place. We still have disagreements, just like every married couple. The difference is that now we recognize each other’s strengths and weaknesses and have learned how to respond appropriately, and we appreciate each other.


Esther’s Fix

I’M the oldest in my family and my parents were excited to marry me off to a nice yeshivish Sephardi boy. I got my first suggestion at age 19. By the time I turned 24, I’d been out with more than 40 boys. At that point, I was ready to be more open-minded about what I was looking for but still stuck to my guns about what was most important: I wanted a boy who consulted daat Torah.

My husband was suggested to me, and on paper he was everything I was looking for. I especially appreciated that although he was a serious boy, he had a fun and spontaneous side to him. There were a few things I was concerned about, like the way we seemed to communicate so differently, but I decided to take the leap. Within two weeks, we were engaged.

I was looking forward to observing the gedarim about not speaking too much because I had a lot on my plate. I was working full time, planning a wedding, and preparing to move to Israel soon after the wedding. But Yitzchak, my chatan, wanted to talk. Every day. For an hour.

He looked at the engagement period as a time to continue getting to know each other. In my mind, however, I was thinking, let’s pause, and we’ll continue that after we’re married. We had a few disagreements about wedding planning stuff, but for the most part he was mevater to me about what I wanted.

After sheva brachot, we moved to Israel and found an apartment. Yitzchak left to go to kollel, and I was at home, by myself, with no furniture. He gave me the number of Bezeq and told me to set up the phone. I remember thinking: Um, I don’t speak Hebrew. Why is this all on me?

I was a young girl in a new place, and I just couldn’t cope. I went to my friend’s house every day instead. Finally, after a week, Yitzchak spoke to the rosh yeshivah and told him what was going on. His rosh yeshivah told him to go home, in the middle of the day, and not to come back until our apartment was set up. Over the next few days, we went shopping and set it up, together.

But still, we had no communication skills and were always butting heads about logistical planning. Simple things like: Should we accept an invite to Shabbat lunch? What time should we start the meal? We spoke to a rav in my husband’s yeshivah but everything he said rubbed me the wrong way.

We were preparing to go on a trip to visit my parents and he said, in front of my husband, that my job was to do everything to make my husband comfortable. So my husband then thought it was normal to ask me to make him special food at my mother’s house when she prepared a whole feast for everyone, or plan everything according to what he specifically wanted. It was a disaster.

We tried distraction next. We hosted tons of boys for Shabbat and went on vacations, but every time we confronted a decision, we were at it again. After yet another disagreement about whether to accept a Shabbat invitation, we called my husband’s rav for hadrachah. His reply stung: “You guys have to figure it out.” I felt so abandoned. It was a real low point.

I had a miscarriage, and we were both nervous after that until, baruch Hashem, I got pregnant again. While I was expecting, things were relatively relaxed because my husband wanted me to take it easy. But by the time my oldest was ten months, I was expecting again and needed more help. Yitzchak had a vision of what a wife is expected to do, but his expectations of me felt impossible.

Yitzchak’s rav recommended a therapist who encouraged us do a “separation” while living in the same house. It gave me some space and afterward the therapist recommended we do it again, but my husband was heartbroken. He didn’t want to be separated from me. He wanted to work things out and become closer, not live emotionally farther apart.

We switched to a highly recommended therapist in Jerusalem. She was a nice American woman, but I felt like we were getting nowhere. After one very exhausting session, I went outside and called my father, who is a rav and who was discreetly helping us pay for therapy. I broke down crying. “I’m done, Abba,” I said. “I can’t do this anymore.”

My father told me he would support me no matter what. “What do you want to do?” he asked.

“Come home,” was my response.

“Esther, you can’t do that,” he replied. “Your husband is a good father who loves his children. You can’t just take his kids away to another country. You have children together.”

That was my personal “aha” moment. That’s when I decided I’d do whatever it took to make my marriage work. My father called my husband’s rav from the community he grew up in and his rav called me. I told him everything and he then proceeded to call Yitzchak. They were on the phone for at least four hours.

I remember hearing my husband say, “Okay, you’re telling me everything not to do. I want to be a good husband. Tell me what I should do.” That was the day everything changed. This rav became our family rav and he arranged for someone he knew to learn with my husband every Friday. It was like chatan classes on shalom bayit, middot, and the like. It made a huge impact.

On my end, I stopped comparing my husband to my friends’ husbands, who were all American and Ashkenazi. My husband came from a very different culture and the things that were obvious to my friends’ husbands were not obvious to him. I stopped holding that against him and tried to appreciate where he was coming from.

For at least a year, every time we needed to make a decision, we called our rav. He would decide and then the funniest thing would happen. Once the pressure of making the decision was taken off us, and it was made for us, we’d then communicate why each of us wanted what we wanted. Sometimes, we’d call the rav back and the spouse who the rav sided with would say, “I heard what my spouse said and actually it makes more sense. I think we should do it that way.” Slowly we learned how to communicate beforehand and make our own decisions together.

Looking back, I should have trusted my gut when it came to therapists. I knew the female American therapist wasn’t going to get through to both me and my husband. There was too much of a cultural difference. But a Sephardi talmid chacham could and would. I specifically wanted to marry a guy who respected and consulted daat Torah, and I did. I should have remembered that earlier.

Today, we have a beautiful family with six children, baruch Hashem. Do we have disagreements? Of course. But we’re a normal, healthy couple. I look at the rabbanim who helped us build the foundations of our marriage and I feel incredibly grateful that we reached out for, and eventually got, the right help.


Rachel’s Fix

I got married with stars in my eyes. We were that annoying couple that kept staring and smiling at each other. I promise, no one could stand us at our sheva brachos. After a few months of marriage, the newness — or maybe it was just infatuation — started to wear off.

Dovi was always late, and it wasn’t cute anymore. I thought maybe he was hiding something from me. Maybe he had a secret life? Maybe he wasn’t really frum? Maybe he was out gambling? I confronted him and he was so hurt that I would think that. I saw a character flaw and immediately thought the worst.

My forgetfulness was starting to get on his nerves. We’d get annoyed at each other but never really talked it out. I started to slowly build up a lot of resentments and my attitude toward him changed.

On Pesach, we spent the first days with his parents. He left me alone to “bond” with his mother and sisters. Looking back, I realize that he thought he was doing a good thing, but I felt totally abandoned. Then, during Chol Hamoed, he spent one night entirely with friends and his brothers, and I totally lost it on him. It was our first huge fight. But we never made up or resolved anything. We just woke up the next morning and carried on with our lives.

Slowly, over the next few months, the fights started to increase, and so did the resentment. I wouldn’t say we drifted apart. It was more like we were actively swimming to opposite sides of the ocean. We both felt embarrassed about how starry-eyed we had once been.

One evening, right before we were supposed to meet Dovi’s parents’ friends for dinner at a hotel, we had a massive fight. I remember Dovi wringing his hands in the air saying, “What do you want from me, Rachel? Nothing I ever do is good. We hardly have a marriage anymore.”

I cried my eyes out and no amount of makeup would cover that up. We greeted his parents’ friends, who took one look at us and said, “Okay, let’s chat.”

The wife pulled me aside; the husband took Dovi for a walk. They aren’t therapists, mentors, or a rav or a rebbetzin, just normal, wise people with years of experience under their belts. They spoke to us privately and then said, “Let’s get dinner and talk this out.” We finally had some guidance.

Our marriage improved. It wasn’t a straight line upward like some fairy tale. We still had ups and downs because we were learning how to navigate a new relationship. A big thing we worked on was fighting. We both realized that we’d never seen our own parents have an argument. So, for both of us, to have a fight with your spouse was the big scary taboo thing. Now we know that it’s very normal, healthy even. I also learned to stay away from words like “always” and “never” in a fight.

Our communication needed work, so we committed to spell everything out and never assume anything. It was a bit tiring at first, but so many times when we did this, the other one would say, “Wow. I didn’t realize what having your brother’s friends over for Shabbos means to you” or “Oh, I didn’t realize that’s how you feel when I come home late from shul.” It takes time to explain yourself and articulate why you need something, but it is so worth it.

We also had to learn how to make up after a fight. Whenever we’d blow up at each other, we’d eventually simmer down and say sorry, but it still hurt. I learned that it’s unrealistic to think that we’d be able to move on and be happy as if nothing had happened. Allowing ourselves time to transition is normal.

Looking back, I regret that we didn’t seek help earlier. I feel like we wasted the first seven months of our marriage. In fact, today, nine years later, we celebrate two anniversaries — our wedding anniversary, and that fateful night at the hotel that prompted us to save our marriage.


(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 810)

Get a raise, save your marriage: Study finds a higher minimum wage … – Study Finds


L. a., Calif. — Extra dollars will Finish in much less divorce, Based mostly on A mannequin new research. A collaboration between UCLA psychologists and RAND economists claims to have uncovered A mannequin new, influenceive Method To reduce down on the Quantity of divorces amongst low-income People: Enhance the minimal wage.

That is the primary enterprise ever To look at the influence of a state’s minimal wage will increase on native marriage and divorce costs amongst low-income earners.

“When policymakers Take into think aboutation strategies of serving to drawbackd houseprimarytains, There was a widespread tendency to try educating them issues like greater communication or coping expertise,” says lead research author and UCLA psychology professor Benjamin Karney in a college launch. “The Idea that The outcomes of income inequality Might be managed This method has been confirmed incorrect Many occasions.”

“Fortunately, there are completely different, more direct avenues to enhancing the lives of drawbackd houseprimarytains, and one is to pursue insurance coverage policies that improve their lives in concrete strategies.”

The federal authorities has devoted almost $1 billion to serving to low-income houseprimarytains primarytain collectively In current occasions, and the Republican subcommittee of the Senate Joint Financial Committee Solely currently revealed a report expressing their dedication to combating The drawback. So far most of these costly efforts, which largely focused on educating greater relationship communication expertise, have produced middling outcomes at biggest.

$1 can save your marriage?

This latest work, by no meansthemuch less, found that a when a state raises their minimal wage by simply $1 per hour, divorce costs decline by seven To fifteen % over The subsequent two years amongst low-income Males And women.

Furthermore, An increase in a state’s minimal wage by $1 additionally seems to foster A particular influence — new marriage costs decline by three To six %. Study co-author Thomas Bradbury, a UCLA psychology professor, explains that when youthful low-earners start making Further money, They’ve A bent to delay marriage Versus avoiding marriage completely.

“Elevating the minimal wage seems to convey the marital timing of low-wage earners more In accordance to the timing of more prosperous people, who Are likely to marry at older ages,” Prof. Bradbury says, noting that these marriages Are typically much less Extra probably To end in divorce.

What do decrease divorce costs and later marriages have in widespread?

Inside Nearly all of circumstances, they strengthen low-income houseprimarytains’ general circumstances. Furthermore, these advantages take primarytain more persistently and in a faster style As in contrast with federal packages Specializing in communication or coping expertise.

“When the lives of poorer houseprimarytains get simpler — that is, As quickly as they’re typically much less poor — relationships Contained in the household get simpler as properly, with out anyone needing to be taught something,” Prof. Karney provides. “Any insurance coverage policies that tackle income inequality are Extra probably to have measurable advantages for household stability.”

Researchers analyzed two datasets collected between 2004 and 2015 for this enterprise. The first was provided by The current Inhabitants Survey, a principally telephone-based ballot that consists of roughly 60,000 houseprimarytains in numerous populous areas. The completely different dataset acquired here by way of the American Group Survey, a primarily mail-based survey of about 300,000 houseprimarytains. Solely people between the ages of 18 and 35 participated On this evaluation, as these age teams recurrent Nearly all of low-income earners.

Study authors made it Some extent To say that between 2002 and 2015 seven U.S. states by no means raised their minimal wages till federally mandated To take movement. Those states have been Wyoming, Texas, Alabama, Georgia, Kansas, North Dakota, and Oklahoma.

“Monetary factors play A substantial position in whether or not couples think about their relationships worth sustaining,” Prof. Karney concludes. “Financial stress and financial strain predict much less satisfying And fewer safe marriages, And greater ranges of poverty and shopper debt predict a greater hazard of divorce.”

For this work, research authors thought-about anyone making $20 per hour or much less a low-income worker. They Clarify, by no meansthemuch less, that the outcomes would have been largely The identical Even when That they had lohave beend that thresprimarytain to $16 per hour.

The research is revealed in the Journal of Marriage and Family.

Source: https://news.google.com/__i/rss/rd/articles/CBMiMmh0dHBzOi8vc3R1ZHlmaW5kcy5vcmcvbWluaW11bS13YWdlLWRpdm9yY2UtcmF0ZXMv0gEA?oc=5

How to Save Your Marriage? Ten Tips for Healthy Reconciliation – The Good Men Project


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